Existential Crisis Sweeps Corporate Headquarters
Is their whole business model a house of cards?
Wal-Mart Announces “Everything’s for Sale” Sale
Tuesday, October27, 2005: Top Wal-Mart executives kicked off a nation-wide sale “unlike anything you’ve ever seen before”. at Wal-Mart stores nationwide, and around the world. Wal-Mart vice-president of marketing Robert “crazy Bob” Briggs said: “We’ve got a problem and you, the Wal-Mart customer can help us solve it! We’ve got mountains of merchandise filling our warehouses and store shelves. Literally billions of dollors worth of fantastic items are for sale, and we need to sell it all. That’s right, all of it. Every last thing must go! We would love nothing better than that not a single piece of merchandise remains un-sold! Unless we can do this we can’t make room for the massive quantity of new items that must take their places.”
Briggs continued, “We’re coming to you, our customers with this serious problem, and we’re begging you to help us get all our fine low-priced home and garden, electronics, music and kitchen supplies out of our stores. Without immediate assistance from shoppers all across the nation, removing these goods from our super-stores will be a logistical nightmare.”
” Now! Now! Now! Don’t wait another minute!” He added.
After previewing the new TV and internet ads promoting the sale, Briggs took questions from the press. When asked how long the sale would last, Briggs explained. “This never before seen sales concept will last for at least a year or as long as we can fill the stores with product. No one can really say. That’s why shoppers shouldn’t wait. You never know when it might all be over and you have lost your opportunity to save.”
Asked to further clarify his desparation, he responded. “For God’s sake, don’t you all get it? We ordered all this stuff and even paid for some of it. If we don’t somehow get it off our hands in exchange for money, the Wal-Mart Way as we know it will be dead and buried by next month. We’re all fucked and it’s your chance to save.”