Bush Reluctant to Leave Whitehouse

Cites Concern for Legacy

Andrew Summersby / Special Correspondant

  • Washington D.C.  Feb. 5 2009

President George W. Bush has reportedly refused to completely move out of the White House, citing a “really cool set-up” of his toy army men in an unidentified guest bedroom on the 2nd floor of the Presidential residence.

Sources close to the outgoing President and White House staff say that moving procedures were going smoothly during the last few days of the Bush administration but hit an unexpected hurdle Tuesday morning when Bush refused to allow anyone, including now President and Commander-in-Chief Barack Obama, to dismantle or move in the “slightest bit” any of his plastic green army men arranged over a large portion of the floor.

Despite the progress made by moving crews Monday, President Bush had ordered his staff to block access to the room where his mock battlefield was located. In addition to the nearly one hundred plastic figures several couch cushions were also being employed to make forts which, according to Bush, provided “different levels and neat hiding places” for the “evil doers” to attack from. 

“This is my best-ever set-up with my whole army-men collection and some of those metal ones that are supposed to be from the Revolutionary War -  I really, really don’t want anyone to wreck it when they move in,” said a notably frustrated Bush, gesturing toward a display spanning several adjoining carpets.

“That strip of wood floor is supposed to be the Potomac River see, and the good-guy army is preparing to defend against those who seek to harm America from that red rug over there,” Bush explained, pointing toward a number of figurines that included Arabian horsemen, Indians with headresses, a handful a Nazi soldiers, and at least one fully-moveable Osama Bin Laden action figure.

“See the War on Terror doesn’t stop when you get inside your house – this is how I unwind and stay sharp on my stratagizin’ at the same time,” he added.

The President indicated that he used to have an action-figure of former French prime minister Dominique de Villepin which “didn’t really have any cool moves” and somehow “got chewed up real good” by the family dog. 

Incoming President Barack Obama himself declined to comment but a spokesperson for the new First Family said they hoped that the situation would be resolved before Obama’s daughters, Sasha, 7, and Malia, 10, needed to unpack their dollhouses.

In a related story, Vice President Dick Cheney, seen during Tuesday’s Inauguration ceremony in a wheelchair, strained his lower back late Monday trying to help move Bush’s Foosball, a table-top soccer game, from the White House Rec Room. According to witnesses, Bush was uncooperative during the attempt to move the table and on more than one occasion talked about challenging “this Obama guy at one last game, mano a mano” before he was scheduled to fly to his home state of Texas. “And if he beats me at Foosball,” Bush declared smugly, “I think I got his number at darts - I mean, who’s more of a straight shooter than me?” Sources indicated that Bush hoped both the Foosball Table and dartboard would remain in the White House for when he comes back to visit.